Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize