but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I smell stomach acid.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
