Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
