You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
