i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
