I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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