Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just invented taco cereal.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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