i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
