so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
