i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
