so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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