It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize