So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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