Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
