is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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