just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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