How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
They should really pass out barf bags in church
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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