I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
