mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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