found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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