I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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