my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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