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I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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