But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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