I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
