The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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