The maid of honor just puked.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I did not marry a roomba.
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