There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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