I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Randomize