God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
