Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
