if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
