Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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