she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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