two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
