She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
NoShamevember. You game?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
