NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
