He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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