I think I won the penis lottery.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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