I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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