If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
