I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize