My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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