$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize