Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
