smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
