I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I feel great
I just peed on a car
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
