Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
