I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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