I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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