is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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