I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
