My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
