Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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