He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
