i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize